All relationships go through times of conflict and how we
manage that conflict has an effect on how much intimacy and authenticity we experience
with the other person.
People will fail us because none of us are perfect. Often we
are blindsided to our own behaviours and during conflict we can work on those
issues that are causing the misunderstandings and stress. At the other end of
working through a conflict is the reward of having a greater understanding of
each other’s needs
Yet what do we do when somebody is a ‘repeat offender’? By
that I mean what do you do when someone keeps saying sorry but then they carry
on just like before?
In hurtful or abusive relationships the woman will often extend
forgiveness when she hear s that one word ‘sorry’ because she desires more than
anything for the relationship to survive and the conflict to be resolved. In fact, the problem is not limited to women
in bad relationships, lots of people struggle with knowing how to handle a
situation when a person keeps promising change but doesn’t come through.
What is forgiveness?
Let’s first deal with what forgiveness is: Forgiving someone is really about dealing with
past issues. It is being able to let go of an offence that has taken place and
moving on so that bitterness, anger and revenge do not spoil the relationships. However, when someone is continually hurting
or being abusive but keeps saying sorry, we need to focus on setting limits on
the pain the person is causing rather than moving straight to forgiveness.
This means, we let the other person know that the
relationship is unable to go forward until the problem has been dealt with.
This may mean the person has less access to our time and attention or losses
some other reward of the relationship. By setting limits on the behaviour we
address the problem that is at hand and give that person an
opportunity to ‘turn
around’.
What Should I be looking for?
What you are looking for is evidence that this person is
taking responsibility for their actions and working on change. A person who is doing this may sometimes slip
up but overall they take responsibility for their falls and are consistent with
their efforts. In this case, you can ‘walk along side them’ while setting
appropriate limits until the changes have been made.
It is important that the offender learns to reap the
consequences for their actions rather than you paying the price by being the
hurt victim. Remember, forgiveness is not a ‘weak’ action to make. It gives us
freedom to let go of the past and make the most of today but if you are with
someone who is taking advantage of your forgiveness, it may mean it’s time to
take the appropriate action of setting limits on their hurtful behaviour.
When you do this, you give the other person an opportunity
to grow and you benefit from learning how to take care of yourself better. If
that person decides not to change you will at least know that his sorry is not
going to change anything but keep the cycle of abuse or hurt continuing.
Written by Joanne Robinson. Copyright Donna Intera 2008