This 'me' time creates space and longing to reconnect between the couple and helps provoke the acknowledgement that despite how in love they are, no one individual person can meet all their needs. They both need outside friendships and activities for their emotional and social growth and well being.

A remember a story of a lady in her mid thirties who had been through a series of controlling and obsessive relationships. During the dating stage, the intense attraction and desire to be with her partner meant that she spent all her spare time with him. She gave up seeing her friends and other key interests they shared and thought that now she had found the right partner; her 'single life' activities were of less importance.

This was also reinforced by the amount of time and attention her partner demanded and how upset he became if she wanted to do something differently from him.  Though it made her feel uncomfortable, his intense feelings were also an attraction. As time went on she discovered that his attraction was more about her meeting his demands then building a mutual, beneficial relationship.

Part of her recovery and breaking free from controlling and obsessive men was to start placing value on her 'me' time. This is an important breakthrough as many women feel selfish and guilty if they place the same value on their needs as they do their partner or children.  

She also came to understand that she didn't want to give up her life in order to feel wanted and loved, which is another important key to understanding how healthier relationships are built.  In a healthy relationship, you won't be expected to give up your life in order to have love.

So this Christmas, remember to put a gift under the tree for you too. Give yourself time to meet up with friends and book that special event or activity into your diary. Like the lady in the above example learned, as  you become a more fully rounded individual with a full life you are able to recognise and be attracted to men with the same qualities, and as you interact with them, good things can happen.

Written by Joanne Robinson

Copyright Donna Intera 2008