It's inevitable that during a dating relationship the question about former lovers is going to come up. You know the questions: 'How long have you been single? And 'why did you two split up'.  Asking each other questions is all part of getting to know each other and discovering if the spark of attraction will ignite into something more meaningful and long lasting.

Being a good listener is as important as asking good questions. It involves hearing one another's points of view, asking more questions for further clarification and checking understanding. Listening is an amazing wise teacher because it gives us an incredible amount of information.

Let us imagine that you are asking about your date's break up. He replies that his ex-partner never understood him; she was always moaning and complaining, really manipulative and even stopped him from seeing their kids. What would you say to him?

Perhaps in the past, like me, you secretly hoped you would never have to meet his ex and as you looked into his eyes, wondered how anyone could be so mean and cruel to such a charming and cute guy!  The other temptation might be to find out more gory details on his ex or compare notes on your past experiences. Or you might think at least there is no ex-partner competition!

For a moment let's see how being a good listener can help with learning about our date. When you listen to his answer reflect on what he says and then confirm your understanding to him. You don't have to do this for everything he says but make a habit of understanding where he is coming from. He then has the opportunity to confirm that you heard him correctly or hopefully he will give you more information if you missed his point.

This type of listening helps you learn about your date. You may find out that he has learnt from his mistakes or he might believe it was his partner's entire fault and that he was the innocent party. If he consistently blames his partner for the way he treated her and for the break up then I would suggest you tread carefully and see how he administers blame and responsibility in other areas of his life.

 Unsafe People Always Blame Others

One of the traits of unsafe people is their inability to take responsibility for their actions or contribution to a problem; it is always their partners' or someone else's fault. Blaming is a way of life for the abuser or unsafe person, so it is not something that will remain hidden from your view for long.  If you discover he has a pattern of blame, chances are that at some point in your relationship he will also blame you for everything.

Learning to listen well is extremely important skills to master for those of us who have kick ourselves for not spotting the early warning signs of a partner's abusive traits. Perhaps we remembered hearing things in the past that sounded a bit odd and now wonder why we didn't question it further. This teaches us that listening helps us to see the early warning signs.