I was recently watching an episode of the Jeremy Kyle chat show and was disturbed by the terrible twists and tales that a man inflicted on his partner for his abusive behaviour. Not enough to throw her down the stairs, smash up property and hit her; here she was on national television being accused by him and his family that she was the cause of his behaviour.

Have you heard the rumours in your own life or that or someone you know that you or her must be doing something to trigger his abusive attacks? After all what would drive a man that treats his family and friends with kindness, abuse his partner?

Women who have lived through abuse know how much they battle with feelings of overwhelming guilt wondering if it is truly their fault for their partner's attacks.  They try hard to change their behaviour hoping that it will appease his anger but it never does.

Firstly, let us clear the myth that a man that beats, intimidates, threatens or bullies his partner is behaving this way because he has an anger problem and is being driven to abuse his partner because of something she done or didn't do or because he cannot control himself.  You cannot apply the methods conflict resolution, where both parties work on taking responsibility for their behaviours, to an abusive relationship.  An abusive man considers his partner to be the reason the way he is and believes he has the right to control his partner, that he is entitled to certain rights and privileges that do not apply to her and that he owns her as his possession.  (That is why an abuser can be kind, gentle, warm and supportive to family, colleagues and friends and be a monster to his partner).

Research has shown that anger management does not change an abusive man. It may enlighten him about his anger but does not solve his abusive beliefs. He is angry because he is abusive not abusive because he is angry.

Unfortunately, community, family and friends often fall for the twists and knots created by an abuser that enable him to keep his  focus on her behaviours, which allow him to get away with what he is doing. By saying she must be triggering his anger or doing something for him to act that way, they are unwittingly supporting his argument that 'she is to blame for the way I am, and if she just tried harder I will change'.

It takes an enormous amount of courage for a victim of abuse to break free  but it could be made much easier if we made the abuser accountable for his behaviour rather than fall for his argument that  it his partner or his feelings that are responsible for the way he is. The only person that can stop abuse is the abuser himself. Until he becomes responsible for his actions and joins an abuser programme there is no hope of change.

Start supporting yourself and the women you know who are being held hostage to the belief that somehow it is their fault for the way he is. It is not your fault.  The only responsibility you have is to take care of your health, protection, children and healing and that you are worth being treated with respect, care and love.  Start believing that and stand up for your rights to live an abuse free life and the power that your abuser asserts over you will start to lose its control.

 Written by Joanne Robinson

Copyright Donna Intera 2008