A flourishing relationship demands 'us' time as well as 'me' time. That
means both partners investing in their relationship and taking some
'alone' time to connect with their individual interests and friendships This 'me' time
creates space and longing to reconnect between the couple and helps provoke the
acknowledgement that despite how in love they are, no one individual person can
meet all their needs. They both need outside friendships and activities for
their emotional and social growth and well being.
A remember a story
of a lady in her mid thirties who had been through a series of controlling and
obsessive relationships. During the dating stage, the intense attraction and
desire to be with her partner meant that she spent all her spare time with him.
She gave up seeing her friends and other key interests they shared and thought
that now she had found the right partner; her 'single life' activities were of
less importance.
This was also
reinforced by the amount of time and attention her partner demanded and how
upset he became if she wanted to do something differently from him.
Though it made her feel uncomfortable, his intense feelings were also an
attraction. As time went on she discovered that his attraction was more about
her meeting his demands then building a mutual, beneficial relationship.
Part of her
recovery and breaking free from controlling and obsessive men was to start
placing value on her 'me' time. This is an important breakthrough as many women
feel selfish and guilty if they place the same value on their needs as they do
their partner or children.
She also came to
understand that she didn't want to give up her life in order to feel wanted and
loved, which is another important key to understanding how healthier
relationships are built. In a healthy relationship, you won't be expected
to give up your life in order to have love.
So this Christmas,
remember to put a gift under the tree for you too. Give yourself time to meet
up with friends and book that special event or activity into your diary. Like
the lady in the above example learned, as you become a more fully rounded
individual with a full life you are able to recognise and be attracted to men
with the same qualities, and as you interact with them, good things can happen.
Written by Joanne
Robinson
Copyright Donna
Intera 2008