Saying No - An Introduction to Boundaries.
I recently run a workshop on personal boundaries, and thought you might like to learn more about boundaries in this month's newsletter. Stay in touch for future workshops.
Do you feel a tightening in your chest or stomach when someone crosses the line with you? Do you berate yourself for saying yes when you really want to say no? If so, you are experiencing a natural response to your personal boundaries being broken.
Personal boundaries can be defined as a barrier between you and other people, a limitation beyond which you will not go and beyond which others are not welcome. They both define who you are and protect you. When we are not conscious of our limitations or don't know how to protect ourselves with
them, we can end up bearing the pain and consequences of other people's behaviour and choices.
For example, a loved one is out of control with their finances and constantly wants you to rescue them from their latest over spend. Inside you know that you can't afford to keep bailing them out and are worried how your finances are being affected. You want to say no but you are afraid of what will happen to them if you do. This is a classic example of a boundary buster and how the consequence of poor financial control becomes the helper's problem.
Sometimes we feel we would be causing more harm than good if we said no but in life most of us do not learn how to do things differently until we feel some kind of pain and consequence for our behaviour. By setting a boundary we help the other person learn how their poor choices are affecting their lives.
This helps us move out of the blame game, which is the natural course of action when we live without boundaries, we find ourselves saying things like ' if only he or she would change then I would have more money for myself'. You can't control somebody else's behaviour but you can protect yourself and manage your responses. As Dr Henry Cloud & Townsend said in their book Boundaries 'You and only you are responsible for what is inside your boundaries. If someone else is controlling your love, emotions or values, they are not the problem. Your inability to set limits on
their control is the problem'.
In summary we can say that boundaries do not lock us away from others or stop us giving help, what they do give is freedom and power to say no when we give and love too much and when others love and treat us poorly.
Overcome your fear of Setting Boundaries
- You have the right to set boundaries
- Learning to set boundaries means you may need to learn to love and take care of yourself more
- Boundaries keep you focused on doing the right things rather than being everything to everyone and spreading yourself too thin
- Enforcing your boundaries doesn't make you mean - you can be firm but nice
- Boundaries teach you self control - you will have to say no to yourself sometimes and deal with any difficult feelings that arise!
Examples of Good Boundaries:
"I'm really sorry, but I just can't do it at this time. Maybe another time?"
' I feel disrespected when you shout and call me names. I will not be available to talk until you speak to me with respect'
"What you are doing is unacceptable to me. If then you are unwilling behave in a reasonable manner, I will finish this discussion and leave room/shop/pub.
Written by Joanne Robinson - Copyright Donna Intera 2009
Have a Question About Boundaries?
Why not email Joanne today with your query?
info@donnaintera.co.uk