One of the workshops from The Right Step Relationship Course is helping women formulate their relationship values so that they can learn how to quickly recognise the qualities they most desire in a partner and the ones they prefer not to compromise on.  Part of the workshop involves completing a team exercise using Relationship Quality Cards to help them identify their most important values.

Why is this important to building safe relationships?

Abusive and healthy relationships are very similar in the way they begin - attraction, similar interests and chemistry. Because of the good feel factor, it is easy to convince yourself in the beginning of a relationship that minor quirks are rather endearing but the consequences of choosing a partner that is simply not compatible enough can become painfully apparent later on when the differences cause all sorts of conflicts and problems.

Let us see how this works in reality. Suppose that you have identified that you must be with someone that is a good conflict resolver. This is a good choice as healthy relationships require the ability to make decisions, work out conflict needs and balance each other's tastes and desires.

Now let us suppose you meet someone that you have an intense attraction with but because you know you need someone who is good at working through conflict, you can also be focused on discovering if he is that type of person.

*If he proves to be an abusive partner he will not deal with differences in opinion or tackle grievances without hostility and defensiveness. For him, there will never be a right way of bringing up a complaint or working out differences. It doesn't matter if you wait for the most opportune moment, express it in a mild language or give plenty of verbal stroking beforehand, he will not be willing to take in what you are saying. During the intervening moments of the confrontation he is more likely to be building up his case against your complaint as if he were preparing to go before a judge.

Paul Hegstrom, leading Professional in the area of Domestic Abuse shares that the mind-set of an abuser will go something like this:

The argument lasts as long as I have the patience for it. Once I have had enough the discussion is over and it is time for you to shut up.

If the issue we are struggling over is important to me, I should get what I want

I know what is best for you. If you continue to disagree with me then you are stupid

Of course putting your relationship value in to practice will depend on how comfortable you feel expressing your opinion and confronting problems. If silence or avoidance is the way you handle conflict it may give him more opportunity to enforce his way of handling conflict without resistance from you.

Formulating a 'shopping list' might seem a bit clinical at first but knowing what are your most important needs and being able to enforce your values, could just save you making a wrong choice in love.